Friday, August 19, 2011

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm a local?

Do you want to know the exact moment I turned into a DC snob?

This morning...

It happened when I rolled my eyes and had a silent snicker over the family of 10 tourists who could not, for the life of them, figure out why on earth their paper metro tickets weren't working when they placed them on the electronic SmartTrip reader. 

Why won't it work?
I'm holding it right on the thing!
Maybe we didn't put enough money on the card!
...a small line is forming behind them at this point.  And shortly after the Metro station manager comes running out of his booth...
Now wait just one minute! Hold the phone.

So why do I call myself a snob?  Because instead of helping these kind, innocent people ease their way through the metro turnstile...I thought to myself;
Oh, silly tourists. and continued on with my day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Awesomeness Anniversary

I have decided that I would like to establish an anniversary of being awesome.  Of being my single, awesome, philosophizing self...

Everyone should have a day to celebrate something other than their birthday.  A day to celebrate being free, healthy, happy, sad, sober, creative, monotonous, crazy, a wearer of fancy pants...whatever it is that makes you YOU.  A way for you to LOVE WHO YOU ARE...

Part of this celebration is inviting your friends and loved ones.  Who is to say that just because you are single, or without kids, or perhaps just a little eccentric that you have less reason to celebrate life than anybody else?  People get married....you send them presents and celebrate their happiness.  That couple has a baby...you send them presents and celebrate their happiness + one.  That child eventually graduates from high school....you send them a present and celebrate their smarts.  The cycle perpetuates.

But what if you don't get married, don't have kids, and therefore don't get to see this celebratory cycle passed on to them?  Why don't you get the option to celebrate something else?  To invite your friends to a party to celebrate your dog graduating from obedience school or to register yourself for kitchen supplies at Williams-Sonoma because you recently decided that in a week's time, you will take a vow to be completely happy with yourself for just one day.  Who decides what matters more?

As a celebration for being the awesome and wonderful you...have a party, kick up your feet, twirl in circles, and invite the people who matter most to you.  Play games, laugh, enjoy the treats you have on the table.  Go around the room and ask that your friends and loved ones say one thing about you that they love.  Have them explain to you why you are an awesome person.  Validate that you are you, and you are loved regardless of status, class, or procreation.  Make your guests write down a loving adjective that describes you...store it in a jar and read the notes to yourself on the following anniversary of awesomeness. 

Remind yourself that you are you. Come hell or high water...you are all you've got and the one thing you can truly give yourself is love.

Our tip-toes, leaps, and bounds are only as big as we wish them to be.  

The Vomit-Swoon

The vomit-swoon is an omni-present phenomenon in my life as I classify myself as a cynical-romantic. 

I am one of those women who loves a good romantic movie and would absolutely love it to actually happen in my life, but would probably be awkwardly cracking up at the same time.

Let's take a few classics:
Pretty Woman
Well 1) I'm not a hooker and 2) if I had a guy pull up to my crappy apartment in a limo with roses, and then he had to crawl slowly up the fire escape for fear of falling....I would be laughing.  I wouldn't be playfully tossing my hair around to strike the perfect pose for when Richard Gere rounded the corner.  I would be sitting there awkwardly wondering why he was taking so long and what I should be doing in the meantime.  And...I don't think a random guy would then be walking across the street providing commentary on this miraculous moment of love.

You've Got Mail
I realize that yes, I did try online dating...but c'mon Tom Hanks...stalk her much?  It may just be me, but I would be FURIOUS if I found out that he knew who I was all along.  Yes yes, love conquers all but that's a little messed up.  However...so I don't come across as a complete cynic...I can't help but cry at the end of that movie everytime until he says 'Don't cry, Shopgirl', at which point I start laughing.  Who wants to be called by their screenname when they embrace their true love?  'Don't cry Ylucyb'  somehow doesn't have the right zing!

The Last of the Mohicans
Granted, not a romantic comedy but has one of the best lines of all time....
What are you looking at, Sir?
I'm looking at you, Miss. Followed by extrememly intense eye contact.
I can't have a staring contest like that without laughing at some point...

To get to the point today...here's a quick recap of my weekend:

1) Went to big Italian dinner with entire family (the tablecloth is paper and there are crayons provided)
2) Draw silly pictures while eating giant amounts of pasta
3) Catch the eye of a server who somehow is glancing my way everytime I look up
4) Enjoy my prosecco and wine
5) Jokingly leave my phone number on the table (in crayon, nonetheless) and my future sister-in-law adds a 'wink' underneath it
6) 15 minutes later recieve a text message from unknown number asking if that wink was for him...

And thus begins the vomit-swoon reaction to messages recieved from said-mysterious server. (sidenote: before you start thinking that this is ridiculous and potentially stalkerish, don't you dare worry your pretty little face...I'm a big girl) 

'Sorry for not being able to take my eyes off you last night'
1)Vomit
2) Swoon
3) Giggle

'You have definitely made my month."
1)Vomit
2) Swoon

Is there a cure for the vomit-swoon?  I'm afraid this poor cynic will remain without a cure until the day a man kneels before her, at Disneyland, with 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' playing over loudspeakers, a light breeze sweeping through her hair on a bright sunny day, saying the words that every girl wants to hear...

nah, even then...vomit-swoon.