First Day Jitters

After leaving California, my first day of work at TSA was not for at least another month. It was this date in the near future that never seemed to concern me until I actually got settled in D.C. I guess a couple weeks of worry-free vacation time made me forget about the real reason I moved...starting a so-called 'career.' August 17th, 2009 was the day it was all to begin. I spent the week prior running around to way too many stores trying to find appropriate business attire...if only jeans and t-shirts made the cut like they did at Sony. Business clothes are just soooo boring, but I had to suck it up and get them anyways. And wouldn't you know it that the night before I was to start, I still wasn't happy with anything. Never satisfied I guess. And then the worrying began... I have this tendency to worry about things in silence. To anyone else I may just seem a little quieter than usual, but I am actually fighting the internal demons who bring about thoughts of failure and inadequacy. I do not know why I worry so much but I have been this way for as long as I can remember...it's stupid and does absolutely no good, yet I simply can't help it. I actually thought I was doing alright before starting this new job but then Sunday the 16th came around, and all I could do was worry. Do I actually know what I was worried about? Of course not...but nonetheless, the random thoughts fluttering around allowed me to get a whole 1/2 hour of sleep!!! I am fortunate though, that when I'm nervous, all other senses go out the window or else I would have realized that I was truly, ridiculously tired. And was there a point to all this worrying? No justification whatsoever seeing as though I sat through a group orientation that day and had the arduous task of filling out paperwork. Definitely something to stress over...haha. And it's times like these where I actually stop and think and wonder why my brain works the way it does. Because honestly... if I just stopped worrying, went with the flow, allowed myself to sleep for at least an hour, went in with "whatever happens, happens" attitude, and smiled...I would probably have a little less stress in my life. But hey...Rome wasn't built in a day... Until later...it's a work in progress...